On Flow, Clarity, & Pace

Original Reddit post found here.

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Hey, Hero!

Fun story! I like the idea that ekhisin were unique, potentially requiring specialized skills and equipment. Considering what we classify as a dragon, the concept of a ‘dragon’s dragon’ is also a really fun idea; it makes me wonder what a dragon might conceptualize to be a dragon.

It’s also a good move to have an observer prioritizing a return with valuable intel on their quarrel. It implies longevity. The hunters are still around, still effective, because they learn, they adapt, they grow.

If you’re looking to improve, I have a few notes that can help you "level up."

Flow & clarity.

I fired spines, 10 at a time. Despite being large enough to scale a castle with ease, Slesh avoided all with effortless grace. It spontaneously changed direction or spun with ice armor.

Separate opponents into their own paragraphs as you would dialogue. This line break will deepen immersion and illustrate the back-and-forth that comes from conflict.

Example:

I fired spines in volleys of ten.
Slesh danced around them, advancing.
“Dang it!” Time for plan-B. “Retreat!”

Alternatively, you can implement multiple opponents within the same paragraph, but doing so should include transitions while maintaining the paragraph’s individuality.

Example:

I fired spines in volleys of ten, Slesh dodging and advancing, still. “Dang it!” Time for plan-B. “Retreat!”

I’m not suggesting that you apply these examples to your story; I’m simply illustrating something to keep in mind for future stories. One isn’t better than the other. Both have their place, and it’s probably a good idea to alternate these two forms as I mentioned with the back-and-forth of conflict—a conflict of conflicting forms, if you will.

Immediacy & Pace.

Same reference paragraph:

Despite being large enough to scale a castle with ease, Slesh avoided all with effortless grace. It spontaneously changed direction or spun with ice armor.

I have bolded the verbs and lined through the words that disrupt the immediacy. This is what the monster is doing versus the “padding” around that action. The monster is a blade where the padding acts like a sheath; it diminishes its threat. Try verbs that imply some of this padding. "Pivoted" could substitute 'spontaneously changed direction.' "Danced around" could denote graceful avoidance.

Where possible, you want to “set the stage” for the action. Try to address most of the description before the main conflict begins, only adding in-action details to ground the reader.

Action is usually choppy. Filled with starts and stops. Sporadic. Chaotic, even. Given that this story is first-person, this monster is coming at “us,” the reader; we should feel threatened.

I’ll come back to this.

By this point, we’re 661 words into this story with 89 words left at our disposal. This fight is the plot. Essentially, it’s 661 words of setup with an 89-word conclusion. For future stories, consider this 89-word block; it’s the conflict of the story—the bit that makes the story a story. Try to move that block further up into the 661 section. The conflict needs to begin sooner, and it needs to take up more narrative space.

Circling back to the action, with this 89-word block occurring sooner, we can spend more time showcasing the fight. We can develop the monster’s threat and menace as it comes for us.

I hope all of this made sense. Flow, Clarity, Pace & Immediacy are really broad topics, but working on them will greatly benefit your stories and your readers.

I hope this helps! Keep at it!